blog crack

Just when you thought men (read: metrosexuals) couldn't get any closer to being complete and total drag queens...

First there were beauty products for men, then there were mani/pedis, next, before you know it, there'll be ladies panties for men and stimulated menstrual cycles for men and virtual pregnancies...*breathe* but I get ahead of myself. Now's there's laser beard sculpturing.

What in the hell is this, you say? I thought one "sculpted" their beard with a freakin disposable Bic shaver and a dollop of shaving cream, you say? Yeah, I thought so too. The Times ran an article in the Fashion & Styles section today about this new up and coming procedure.

It's for guys who want to get that "I-haven't-shaved-in-a-few-days-because-I'm-a-rockstar-and-I've-been-on-a-weeklong-crack-binge" look, but have hair growth issues which make them look like woolly mammoths after only a day or two off the blade. It's also for guys who are lazy as hell and don't want to bother actually shaving with care.

So what else than to get laser surgery for it? Do people have too much money in this country to spend it on crap like this? The answer, apparently, is yes.

The article goes on to say that many men are seeking the procedure for their necks. Ah, so it's because they're total spases and can't trust themselves not to accidentally cut open their jugulars. The article cites an example:

"Like many men with very heavy beards, Mr. Marino had a rough time shaving on his neck, where hairs tend to grow every which way. "I was always getting razor burns and nicks and cuts on my neck," he said. "And believe me, the last thing you want to do is get blood all over a $250 Ermenegildo Zegna shirt."

Yes, Mr. Marino, that's the last thing you'd want to do.

But back to the article:

"Dr. Katchen warned that because the laser is imprecise, the result can be patchy. He added, "If too much hair is removed, you can end up feminizing the face, which is one thing most guys definitely don't want."

If they don't want to look like a chick (please refer to my "Hair Removal Hell" posting), then why are they acting like one?